I'm starting to feel like I don't know what to do with myself next. I'm in the midst of a pretty big transition, on several levels, and now I just don't know what to do. I suppose it's easiest to say "Oh just step back from everything and figure it all out before jumping in" right? And I suppose that makes sense. But I can't step away from getting used to a new living situation, or the idea that I need a different (full time) job badly, or that I'm in class again and this really is the last time.
I think it may work on the level that I need to sit back and possibly think about myself, as a single person. I thought these last few months I was doing ok at that, but my mind has been running a mile a minute recently. Part of it may be my period starting in the next three days, but really I do think it's something I need to look at.
Despite how well I've felt I've been doing, I do realize that over the last year I haven't spent much time being single. The time I have spent single has been healing periods over whomever I saw last. All last summer was getting over Chris, and despite the time spent on that I had it all hit me upside the head once again this Memorial day and remind me that yes, it does still hurt, even if I am over him. But even though I'm over him he did mean a lot to me, and still does in some ways - at the very least as a good friend. I'm slightly confused though, because I feel like we have a connection that is different than friends, but is definiately not a 'couple' type of relationship. It's just different, and I don't know what to make of it. For all I know it's just me. But I had a few friends point it out and ask questions, and I just didn't know what to say cuz I really haven't thought about it. We've been hanging out a lot lately, and for a while there it even felt like too much. But I think both of us held on to spending lots of time with someone because we both wanted it (for different reasons). I think he's missing Kim, and I've been feeling lonely and rejected.
Wesley. He's the most recent reason I've felt lonely and rejected. I meet this guy, he seems to like me, so we start spending time together, having fun, and just when I think we're starting to get comfortable around each other he disappears off the face of the earth. Never even called me to tell me he didn't want to date me anymore. Just left one afternoon, saying "I'll give you a call later today" and that was it. Way to make me feel completely unwanted. I'm realizing now that I didn't take the time to let it sink in too much, and now that it's been a few weeks I'm feeling upset and hurt about it. Yes, he's an asshole and I know it's not me, but I hate feeling like I'm not good enough, or that I'm just dispensable like that. That someone didn't want me around.
I've been missing Bud a lot lately too. That's really making me sad. Out of everyone I have ever dated (short list, I know), he's the best. We always had fun, he listened well when I really had something to talk about, and it was just great being around him. I can honestly say that he is the one person who I would date again in a heartbeat. I also know that if he had stayed in CO, and we had actually taken the step to commit and be a couple, that I could have easily fallen for him. But we didn't get that chance, and it makes me sad. I wish I could see him. I miss him.
I dislike feeling emotional and confused. Chris and I talked a bit the other day about needing space from people, which I agree with, cuz even I have been thinking that there's been too much going on. But now I'm feeling like it means people don't want to be around me, that they don't care about me or like me. And I know that's not true, but I'm feeling so badly like I need attention, that I need someone to want me around, feeling so rejected from everything going on the last few weeks, months, who knows. I just want to feel comfortable for a while. And with all this change going on I'm not sure how to do that. I feel like I keep picking up handfuls of sand because it feels good, then watching it all slip between my fingers leaving me empty and wanting to find a way to contain it all back into my hands. I just don't know if I should pick it up or not, or what to do with it once I do.